The $#!%storm

So I have this acquaintance who is getting a puppy.  This friend makes very little money and has a very small car and is buying a dog from a breeder!!!  And he is getting a BIG breed of dog.  I'm not talking golden retriever big, I'm talking mastiff big.  Completely impractical.  This guy can't afford $5 to go to the gym (which he needs to do...he's trying to be a cop and needs to be able to run 1 mile in less than 8 minutes and do 20 push-ups in one minute to be selected.  And can't thus far) but he is expecting to be able to afford $100/month in dog food?  The only way I can see this working is if he eats kibble with the dog.  Mmmm...yummy!  And then he can load up his 100 lb dog into his...you guessed it:  mini cooper and drop him off at the shelter when he realizes that he made a (literally) huge mistake.  Maybe I'm a jerk, but there is one thing worse than people adopting dogs they can't afford and that is people getting rid of said animal.  No wait, I take that back.  It's people PAYING a breeder so they have incentive to bring a new dog into this world that is going to end up in a shelter.  Did I mention the mini cooper?  Yeah.  I went on a date with this guy (thank you match.com for making all my dreams come true.  bahahaha...) and one of the first things he told me was that he doesn't have much money for food so he eats a lot of pasta...right after he rolled up in that freaking new impractical car that he thinks he can afford on a camp counselor salary.  What the hell is wrong with people?

Anyways, so the title of this is $#!%storm, which is what I'm currently experiencing.  You know how they say when you stop looking for someone to date and whatnot they show up.  And you know how they say when it rains it pours (or should I say poors???).  Fellas, I'm sorry but "I can't afford to eat" isn't a good pick-up line.  Well it's like it's raining men only it's a (refer to title).  It reminds me of this joke my dad used to tell me about the vampire who sings "Drained Wops Keep Falling on My Head" because it's like I'm getting showered with useless corpses.  I'm not trying to be insensitive just that joke gives me a crazy visual and I can't help thinking it now, although it's not Italians who are falling it's just idiot Durangatans.

So the most recent "date" if that's what you call it was a night when I offered to buy this guy who I thought was cute dinner and a few beers because he just got laid off.  He was a chef at the nicest restaurant in town and they were closed for the season but then decided not to reopen.  Assuming (yes, oops) that he would get any sort of job until he figured out what he was going to do, I made this offer.  Originally he had been talking about working at the culinary school in town but went back on that because he had something coming up in a few months.  I was assuming it was some sort of great opportunity but turns out it was the opportunity to cook at a dude ranch in Wyoming.  Yippee kaye?  In the meantime, no job, no money.  Every time that the bill showed up it was like playing hot potato, only I was the only one playing.  I mean it was incredibly awkward and there was just this overwhelming sense of, "Why the hell would you think I'm going to pay?"  So I did, because it's just money but by the end of the night I was getting pretty fed up with paying for everything.  And then my family went, "yeah duh, what were you thinking, he's a chef".  Well all I can say is Spanglish, thanks a lot for nothing, you have totally led me astray.

So last night I was going to tell him I wasn't interested but decided he's too dumb to even mention anything.  The unemployment he's been waiting for for weeks finally came through and rather than saying, "Oh hey I see you guys are drinking beers, can I get you another of what you're drinking?" he ordered a double shot of 1800 tequila.  For himself.  And then, when we were going to go to this other bar with a cover charge he says, "Jamie, you should pay for all of us to get in".  I almost lost it, but he's friends with my friend so I can't say anything too harsh...except I AM going to tell his friend that he is a d-bag.  Oy!